For much of my life, I have measured my worth by how much I could achieve, how well I could perform, or how “extra” I could be—whether in school, sports, work, or even in the smallest, most mundane tasks. This drive to stand out, to always do more, became a habit so ingrained that it shaped my identity. Only recently have I begun to question whether this constant striving has truly served me, or if it has kept me from something deeper and more sustaining: humility.
Yesterday, while browsing one of my favorite stores in Ocean Beach “Imperfects,” I faced a small but telling moment. T-shirts I love were on sale—$10 instead of $30. My instinct was to buy every color, to maximize the deal, to be “extra.” But something inside me paused. When the young woman at the register asked why I wasn’t getting more colors, without even thinking I said “I need to start practicing humility,” and as she put the two shirts in a bag and after a head tilting pause she looked at me and said, “I respect that.” In that moment, I felt a quiet rightness I hadn’t felt in a long time.
This decision lingered with me through the evening and into my walk. I realized how often I let the “extra” impulse lead me—how it colored my choices, my relationships, and my sense of self. The desire to achieve, to accumulate, had become habitual. I see now that humility is not about denying my gifts or shrinking from life, but about finding balance, about letting go of the need to always be more.
Spiritual leaders throughout history have spoken to this challenge. Mother Teresa reminds us, “Humility is the foundation of all virtues… It is in being humble that our love becomes real, devoted and ardent.” Lao Tzu teaches, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” St. Augustine urges, “Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being. Do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? Think first about the foundations of humility.” Their words echo what I am only just beginning to understand: greatness is built on humility, not on being “extra.”
Rumi’s wisdom resonates deeply: “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” And Pope Francis offers a gentle correction to our culture’s obsession with self: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
To young people who may be reading this that are developing the “Extra” addiction: I hope you will hear what took me decades to learn and try to understand the sage advice from the Spiritual Leaders above to start making small corrections.
For peers I hope we can commiserate together on how we are coping and how we can work together to get rid of the shackles of Extra and to mentor the young people to be careful of this addiction.
Together we all know all too well that the world will tell you to be “extra” – to stand out, to accumulate, to achieve at all costs. But there is another way, a quieter and more lasting strength, found in humility. It is not about hiding your light, but about letting it shine in service, in kindness, and in genuine connection with others.
If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be this: Don’t become addicted to “extra.” Practice “humility.”
Let your worth be rooted not in what you do or what you own, but in who you are and how you love.
And for my friends who are also dealing with this challenge lets all talk about this. We all have been humbled and gotten into trouble with this striving for Extra — as my friend Jethren told me when we recently got into a very deep discussion on some of the things we are learning later in life that we need to take time to talk this out. He had told me several of our friends who grew up in the Organic Food Industry and their reflections today were all anxious to start talking more about these revelations. I am so happy about that because for me this is a work in progress for me in fact if a face it head on a daily struggle. My hope for myself and all of us who have strived for “Extra” in the past can find peace in humility and that the experience will be worth more than any achievement or accolade.
